| It's easy to feel insignificant in a world so big and intimidating. As a teenager myself, I know exactly how it feels to feel worthless when you look up at the sky and feel as if you are not living up to the expectations that somebody expects from you, if that'd be a God, a parent, or even yourself. At the awkward ages that we experience, we tend to give into our sadness, our growing pains, and chalk it up as a phase. It's easy to simply let the time pass where sadness overrides happiness and all the good things in life seem plain and colorless. Especially in today's world, where we are corrupted by our own trusted politicians, brainwashed by religious leaders who have secret agendas, and endure countless sarcastic remarks from our educators. (If I may elaborate on this, I've had my share with Catholic school, where it's almost a crime to question a religion and you learn to keep quiet about your own views. And I've also had several fights with teachers who singled me out because I was not a favorite or because I was "different" or oddly enough, quiet and strange. But that's not to knock all teachers, because I've had several amazing teachers, who I wish I could thank again. But the ones that made my life hell in school, I hope they realize that one day, their terrible ways might strike a nerve in the wrong kid and cause some type of violence.) It's hard to speak up when your world is clouded with your own thoughts, the standards of parents and the expectations that school has for you. As John Lennon once said through song, "when they've tortured and scared you for 20 odd years, then they expect you to pick a career," things probably don't look as bright as you expect. (Come on, you know what I'm talking about. Piles of homework, long days at school, staring out the window at the beautiful day you should be using, not wasting in a building!) But I think most of your fear lies within you, not in the standards set for you. The truth is, we all die in the end and most of us will die alone. While we have no way to predict our dying day, we mourn the days we are alive, because we want to drift into death, painlessly and wordlessly. Death has become something many people long for, and some people grasp it because of suicidal tendencies. Too many teenagers have committed suicide for this just to be a phase. If it a phase, it's wicked awful and has too much truth within it to ignore. I'm not going to talk about how if you're depressed, you should tell somebody. We've heard that from our elders and some of us do get help, but some of us don't ask for the help and attention we need. And the statistics prove that. Here's my point of view on suicide. If you are at your wits end, about to jump off a cliff, or whatever clever way you've invented to make a big bang, why not just back up for a bit, and think? What have you got to lose? Why not do what you've wanted to do, now that you're going to die, by your own hand? Too many people embrace their own death without being alive. I know while I type this that I probably won't help anybody and you know what, I understand I can't save the world, but if someone suicidal is reading this, and it keeps them holding on that much longer, I believe it is worth it. Technically, by scientific reasoning, we are indeed, alive. If our hearts and blood vessels are pumping blood and we are inhaling and exhaling, it's a safe bet to show that we are alive. But there are zombie-like human beings, teenagers, and adults included, that are never honestly alive, in a metaphoric sense of the word. They live quietly, restlessly, and never make a sound about how their life is just a suction draining them of any wills to survive. You know people like this. The mind-numbing, pessimistic, morbid types that will somehow drag you down. This is for them. What bad could come out of living? And I know you've heard this dozen times before you've read this, but I learned that life is truly beautiful, if only you could look past the ugly that man has created. Most of the ugly in the world is man-made. Nature is the only truth, I believe. If you turn off the TV and the computer, and go outside for awhile, and connect with the only Truth (nature), perhaps you can find some sense of clarity within the sun, the moon, the wind, the flowers, and the trees. Sure, right now, I sound like a hippie, tree-loving person. I might be, but I'm happy. And that's more than most people can say for themselves. To be happy does not mean to never be angry, or to go with the flow. That would be like conditioning yourself to smile, even when you're dying to cry. Happy is not always constant, but it is seeing the better side of the anger and using it to your advantage. Know your limits and what makes you angry. Shy away from conversations that will undoubtfully make your blood boil. Smile when you are happy. Laugh whenever you can, even if something isn't very funny at all. Say what's on your mind at the exact moment it is on the tip of your tongue. Run around to let go of negative energy. Too many of us have these black aura's surrounding us, with negative energy. Personally, I am a natural being. I do not like to fake a feeling, or fake a look. I believe in purity, and meditation. Did you know deep breaths calm you down? Or counting to ten before you lash out can make your thoughts clearer, and less likely to cause any damage? This is a form of meditation. Meditation is the inner peace you can find in yourself. No matter how insane you believe you are, you still have a quiet, peaceful place, and that is the soul, to me. If you can breathe deeply and discover the stillness, and feel your veins pumping blood, you have reached your inner peace. That's what matters. That's all that matters. The golden radiance of not worrying, not thinking. Any thoughts you have during this time should not be judged, should not be elaborated on. I've completely gone off topic, but that is no surprise to me. As a person bursting with new ideas, I can't possibly stay focused, :) Please don't tell me I don't know how it feels to be depresesd. I'm sure a lot of you have thought it as you read it, or it has crossed your mind that I cannot possibly be as happy as I currently am because I have never felt the grasp of depression. Because I have, and I will not tell you any personal stories, but I know exactly how it feels to be hopeless and even to want to kill yourself. I speak from my own experience. The current feeling I speak of does not happen overnight. It could take months or years, but I promise you, it's worth it. Why kill yourself today, if tomorrow might have a miracle awaiting you? Why not just wait that extra day out and see what happens? What's it matter if you do, you're going to die anyway, right? If you plan to die tonight, I ask you to wait 24 hours. To step away from your computer and to be outdoors, and just to breathe in. Go out later and see the stars and the moon and think of what can happen within one more day living. So much could! The best day of your life could be coming up within a month and you'd miss it, because you'd be dead. And no one honestly knows what comes after death, if it would be heaven or hell or reincarnation. So, what's the rush, then? There might be nothing waiting for you, whatsoever! I do not fear death at all. I am not afraid to die. I just don't want to die today or tomorrow or years from now. I want to be alive, first. I try to make everyday worth it, those mere 24 hours to be filled with anticipation of what comes next and how I could make somebody smile or how I could turn something wrong to be something right. It's a small step but it's gotten me to a better place, mentally. I want to add that these are not words I've looked up on the internet, and I have no reference whatsoever to any books, blogs, or sites. These are my thoughts and I don't expect anybody to really appreciate them, but myself. Because everything I think has power, it's own source of beauty to supply to others who want to hear it. Even if this has made no sense, I won't edit it, because in life, you cannot edit your mistakes or even your own thoughts, in your head. What you do today will stay with you, just as suicide will be a permanent answer to a problem that may seem so little in a week or so. All I ask of somebody who is within the hands of depression, is just to let go. Stand up for your own happiness, ask yourself to move on, even if its just for a little while. Whatever honest pain that exists within you, put a blanket over it and breathe! Just breathe. I want to thank anyone who took the time to read this. I know it's long and perhaps confusing but it took a lot of energy for me to just write my thoughts. I have not thought any of this through, I wrote spontaneously and I do not know if it blends or flows but I don't care. I don't ask anyone to care about my thoughts but if for some reason, somebody does, I would LOVE to hear what you think about this. These are my private ways of dealing with my own depression.
I want to be alive everyday. |
